Wrath and Twinkle: Honesty about December

  

And so the intent of this post is to acknowledge a lot of feelings I have each year at this time and to put them out there for all of you who may have some of the same ups and downs during this month….  for it is ok, these too shall pass, and with a little honesty and perseverence we can step over to the happy side of the month………..

The month of December always ushers itself in like a dreaded great and gathering dark storm. I am immersed in a month of great nostalgia in December……

You surely have gotten this immediate reaction from the title – “wow really, what a downer”?  Yes, this month of December is the most difficult month of the year for me for several reasons.  I know I am not alone in this.  I miss my parents and the “old” days more than ever in December.   December is the most vivid month of memories of baking with my Mom when I was a kid – batches and batches of Christmas cookies.  I remember going out on the coldest of days and trotting alongside my Father as he circled and circled until he found what he annointed as the perfect Christmas tree, always a Balsam Fir – because he said they had the best fragrance.  He loved to sing carols on Christmas Eve and he had a beautiful baritone voice, seldom heard.  My memories of visiting the French Pastry Shop in Morristown must have been in December as it seemed still dark and definitely cold when we entered the shop after 7:00 mass.

I also have some wickedly negative memories from Christmases Past, those which would give Charles Dickens a run for his money.  Compounding the problem,  there is the littlest daylight of the year and I take to sitting under my light lamp in the mornings while I work on cards.  Everything is dead outside and I find myself counting the days till the 21st and the Winter Solstice. (actually, I am counting the weeks until May)   Time and again I compel myself to let all of this stuff go, but it seems to creep back in every damned year.  And so, I allow the indulgence of all this for a minute and then pack it all up inside a balloon and let it fly away……..

It is frustrating that while everyone else is feeling festive, happy , uplifted and giddy with the season, I find myself with the widest array of emotions and moments of profound sinking.  I can be walking around humming a Christmas carol one minute, as I am now (Christmas is here, bringing good cheer – Carol of the Bells)  and be somewhere totally opposite the next.  Honestly, I find myself questioning my sanity time and again as I travel through this ride of emotions.  Yet, I know that the holidays bring forth a lot of stuff for a lot of people.  I have often wished that I could be one of those people who have only the happiest memories of Christmastime.  But, then I wouldn’t be able to identify with those who are truly hurting and I don’t want to be like that.

I found my eyes brimming with tears yesterday as I drove down the road at 5:30pm.   It could have been that it was totally dark at such an early time and my brain just “lost it” – such is the affliction for me.   I have learned to ask myself in these situations, “what’s going on, Marianne?”  I am not a crier.

Anyway, I kept thinking about this last night and realized, most centrally, that I had not baked anything in 9 days.  That’s one good reason I was down.   Alright, enough already………

Luckily this morning I awoke with a great gust of forward motion as and got to thinking about baking in earnest.  I also got an email from the Morristown Historical Society which is helping me on digging in the archives about the French Pastry Shoppe.  I have gotten pretty close lately to thinking I had imagined the entire collection of episodes of going there with my Dad as there is absolutely no record on the internet anywhere of the existence of this place.  I’ve looked under every possible link I could think of.  And so today, I am going to do it the old-fashioned way, I am going to walk into the Morristown Library.

Speaking of December memories, I must share a few of the most poignant.  My family has told me to stop commenting how I have a hard time going into the center of Morristown.  I actually avoid it if I can.  It evokes so many memories for me and I guess I can’t accept the changes.  This may be true, but I have my all my great and positive memories:

• we went to see Santa come down off the roof of Bamberger’s
• the Morristown Green was glorious back then, actually remembered as a true wonderland – decorations were old-fashioned and charming, Santa’s house was uniquely homespun and magical; groundskeeping was overseen by family friend Paul Abato, about whom I am trying to also scrape up info
• the Green was brimming with quaint independent shops, memories of which I love and covet – including The Sugar Pine Country Store, The Old Book Shop, Jodo Gift Shop, the Book Shop next to Epsteins – which I can’t remember the name of at the moment, the Town House on the Green, with its beautiful paned windows and amazing wrap-around counter – my Aunt Madeleine hostessed here for awhile
• The volunteers from The Salvation Army were outside Bamberger’s and Epstein’s for the month day and night, ringing their bells; all was dark, glorious-mysterious and sparkling-twinkling – the absolute best!
• I worked in Epstein’s for many Christmases, selling, wrapping and even ran the food counter for awhile
• The amazing gifts of Thomas Nast – if you don’t realize or remember about these amazing historical contributions coming from Morristown, take a look at this:  http://www.jfpl.org/NJHistoryPathfinders.cfm?doc_Id=31 –
• my Mom’s homemade Eggnog, and Pasta Fagioli
• food, glorious food, from Grandma – Struffoli, Ribbons and Taralle,  and Mom; Pfeffernusse (nickname of Vincent) and Russian Tea Cakes , and everywhere, every year, everything……..

Seriously, you MUST revisit Thomas Nast and his work:

        images courtesy Thomas Nast Collection

Well, thank goodness yesterday’s mood has moved on.  Today I am off on a bunch of missions:  the library, looking for a tree perhaps,  the collecting of the recipes phase.  (This year I want to focus on citrus, eggnog and peppermint recipes).  I am moving on into indulging all of my food impulses.  I may not eat them all, but I am going to invent, experiment and make them all…….. This is happiness for me.

What I wish for you (and me) today:  That old and negative memories vapor off into the sunset and all the good and great gifts of life stay central………  thanks for indulging me this story……….

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You know your cat is spoiled if……..

a. He lives at Le Bristol in Paris:

  Fa-roun adoring his tree, courtesy Le Bristol, yesterday (or, is he contemplating a leap?)

 

b. Callie Quincy Hanley:

  …..she drinks spring water out of a cup on the counter in your powder room, ears back, happy……..